


The 6th Shade: Fuck the Police

by InThePalmOfMyHand



Series: 50 Shades of Gay [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Jk he kills it at the end (spoiler?), M/M, Socks, They don't they just get scared of it, Trick question, Who in the relationship kills the spider?, and like....gay guys i guess, and spiders, misuse of socks (on grass), police! i almost forgot he's a police dude, socks outside without shoes, without shoes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 11:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13974261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InThePalmOfMyHand/pseuds/InThePalmOfMyHand





	The 6th Shade: Fuck the Police

The 6th Shade

 

“Holy shit!” Dean practically screamed, and jerked his entire body to the side. The car swerved into the other lane, and Dean fought against instincts and set it straight again.

There was a spider. A huge, hairy thing, almost the size of Dean's fist. And it was _in his car_ . Normally this wouldn't be a problem for Dean, but he happened to also be in the car, and the spider was _right_ by his face.

He was only a few minutes away from home, he could make it without screaming like a girl because of one spider.

Until it moved.

The car swerved again as Dean flinched violently. He set it right, not taking his eyes off the arachnid.

Blue lights flashed in his rearview mirror.

“Shhhhhhhhhhit.”

Dean pulled to the shoulder, letting the car roll to a stop. He knew the drill. Licence, registration, insurance card. Only the thing was, there was a fucking spider on the dash _right_ above the glove compartment where all the papers were, and there was no way in _hell_ Dean was putting his hand anywhere near that thing. He sat quietly, waiting for the worst. He saw the police officer exit his own car and approach Dean’s window from behind. He did not look happy, but Dean rolled his window down anyway.

“Good evening, officer,” he said, hoping politeness would let him off easy.

The officer nodded his own greeting and continued to look annoyed. “Do you know why I pulled you over tonight?”

“Well, Officer…..” Dean looked at his name badge before continuing, “...Castiel Novak, would you care to enlighten me?”

Officer Novak sighed. “Well for starters, Mr. Winchester, you realize you’re only supposed to drive in one lane at a time, right?”

Dean grinned guiltily. “See, the thing is-”

“Not to mention the sporadic, rapid acceleration. You actually exceeded 90 mph at one point.”

At hearing that, Dean frowned. “Only 90? I thought she could kick it much faster than that.”

“This is a 55 zone.” The officer leaned closer towards  the open window. “Can I just see your license and registration, please?”

“Uh, yeah sure.” Dean glanced toward his glove box— the hiding spot of his unwelcome passenger, who was still present and uneasily still through the whole ordeal. He slowly reached into his back pocket for his wallet, never taking his eyes off of the spider. It took some maneuvering to get his license out but he finally held it out to the officer, who took it but still looked expectant.

His registration. In the glove box. Fuck.

Castiel cleared his throat. Dean’s eyes slid back to him. “Y-yes, officer?”

“Your registration, too, if you would.”

“Yes, I know,” Dean answered hesitantly, his eyes flicking back towards the passenger side. There was no way he was going to even try to open the glove compartment with that things still there. He looked back at Castiel, who was still waiting and already looking annoyed with the situation. 

“I actually can’t get it,” Dean said simply. As if he was going to explain to Officer Muscles here that he, a grown-ass adult man, didn’t want to touch a spider.

“You...what?” Castiel looked taken aback. “You mean you don’t have it?”

“Oh, no I have it. I just can’t get it.”

Officer Novak squinted at him. “And why is that?”

Dean pointed at the spider, careful not to get his hand too close to the thing. “See for yourself. It’s on the dash right there.”

Castiel stared at the spot for several seconds before standing up straight. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle.”

Dean’s head shot up to him. “What?! Dude, why?”

“I have probable cause to assume intoxication or other influence.That means that, legally, I’ll need to conduct a test. Look, this is an easy, run-of-the-mill test and if you pass I can get you back on the road in no time, alright? Now please, calmly step out of the vehicle.” Castiel told him, sounding to Dean as if he said this to everyone he pulled over and tested.

Dean scowled at him but unbuckled his seatbelt. _Cooperation is key_ , he told himself. _Just be calm about the situation and explain it without anything happening. Don’t panic and it’ll be fine._

He opened the car door slowly. Not slowly enough, apparently; the spider bolted. Dean _did_ panic and things were _not_ fine. He made a very manly noise and almost hit Castiel with the car door as he flung it the rest of the way open and jumped out at top speed. Only when he was practically behind the officer did he turn back to the car.

“Where is it?” Dean asked in a harsh stage-whisper. “Where did it go?”  When Castiel didn’t answer, Dean turned back to him. “Did you see it? Do you know where it went?” he questioned, louder this time. “Maaan, how am I supposed to get home now? 

Castiel blinked, as if he’d zoned out. “Sorry, what? Where’s what?”

Dean dared to step a bit closer to his car, pulling Cas beside him for reassurance. “I know I sound crazy, but can you help me? I know it’s in there and there’s no way I can drive back with it like that.”

Castiel looked into the car one more time, the setting sun showing that nothing, at a glance, was out of the ordinary and there was certainly nothing moving. “Help you with… what exactly?” Cas asked him, clearly confused.

“It’s in there.” Dean pulled him alongside himself as he stepped even closer to the open door, but frowned. It’s like the closer they got to one another the safer he felt, as if the spider was going to respect the law, or any figure of authority for that matter. The president of the United States could fly out here and demand that the spider leave him alone, but would it help? Not a chance.

“Uh, hey.”

Dean stopped moving and looked sideways at Castiel. Did he finally see the spider? Dean _knew_ he wasn’t crazy. Cas was shaking his head. Dean swallowed. That was not a good sign.

“Do you need a ride home or something? You can come get your car tomorrow, it’ll be okay overnight. And forget that test, too, I’ll just drive you home,” Castiel offered, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was still shaking his head.

Dean wanted to accept. He would’ve loved to accept. Maybe if he left the windows cracked, the spider would see himself out. Boom, problem solved. Just one little issue still…

“I really can’t,” he found himself saying. “I gotta get this thing home too, or it’ll rust.”  

He mentally kicked himself. Rust didn’t happen overnight. Spiders evacuating did. This should’ve been an easy decision, and yet the immaculate care he used for his car won out.

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Right. Okay, so then I’m going to need your information. Get in your car in give me the registration, Dean. Honestly, this should have taken a couple minutes, max, and you're turning it into a circus.”

Dean started. He can’t get his papers while avoiding his passenger, and there was no way he was getting back in while it was still in there. His eyes slid from Cas to the car and back to Cas. He smiled.

“It’s all together in the glove compartment, if you need it that badly. Let me unlock the passenger’s door for ya.” Dean grinned at Officer Novak as he reached through the open window to unlock the doors.

Castiel squinted at him again. Eventually, he moved around the car to open the door and Dean followed close behind, looking slightly worried about what he’d just done. Castiel looked at Dean again before reaching his hand towards the box, Dean watching apprehensively. Castiel opened the box and a surge of brown confirmed what Dean had been dreading.  
The spider was still there.

“Watch out!” Dean yelled, probably louder than necessary considering their proximity to each other. Castiel jumped noticeably at the noise and let out a yell, causing Dean to yell again, grab his hand out of the open glove box, and pull him away from the car by a couple of steps. They both stood in the grass by the road, still making sense of what just happened.

“What the hell?” Castiel said under his breath. Dean shook his head in agreement at the notion but began shaking his head wildly when Cas pulled him back towards the car.

“Dude, are you crazy?” he complained. He looked in anyway, wishing he had more light than just the flashing blue ones atop the police car. From his vantage point over Officer Novak’s shoulder, he saw it: the spider. Castiel saw it too. Dean leaned away from it with a grimace. It definitely didn’t need that many legs.

“I can’t believe it.” Cas muttered, exasperated. “All this time it was a spider? Just a spider?”

“Um, ‘just’ a spider?” Dean raised his eyebrows at the officer. “That thing is huge! A-and fuzzy!”

“Just kill it then,” Castiel turned away from the car (and the spider) to face Dean. “It can’t hurt you if it’s dead.”

“Like hell!” Dean cried immediately. “I’m not getting anywhere near that thing, not to mention close enough to kill it, are you out of your goddamn mind?”

Castiel closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose again. “Fine,” he said, keeping his eyes closed, “find me a rock or something and I’ll smash it for you. It isn’t that difficult.” He opened his eyes and practically pleaded with them to get this over with.

Dean shook his head. “A rock? On _my car_? I think not, you’ll break it. Use something softer, I don’t want the dash to crack or anything.”

“You don’t want the-” Castiel repeated. “Fine, I’ll just use my shoe, I guess. Will that be alright, _sir_?” he asked, accenting the final word for just the right amount of sarcasm. Dean nodded, brows furrowed but seemingly satisfied. Castiel looked at him expectantly and Dean nodded again, raising his eyebrows and thinking it’s another jab at his masculinity. Castiel cleared his throat and looked pointedly downward.

“To get my shoe off, you’ll have to, um,” Castiel said, turning pink.

Dean followed his gaze and saw he was still gripping the officer’s hand rather tightly, from when they’d both seen the spider. He immediately let go and his ears burned. That was totally normal.

Castiel lifted his leg up and slid his shoe off in a fluid motion. Dean winced as he then put his foot right back down on the ground, his black sock already covered in grass and dirt, no doubt. Cas turned around to the car. The spider was still there, silently watching. Castiel got closer, paused, then got closer still. He raised his shoe slowly, poised for the strike  
“Wait!”

Castiel froze.

“How am I gonna clean that shit up?” Dean accused.

Castiel turned around. “What?”

“Y’know…” Dean motioned with his hands vaguely, “the spider guts and stuff? They’re probably green or something and it’ll be smeared all over my dash. Not to mention I’ll have to clean up all the fuzz or whatever. Arachna-fur.”

Castiel chuckled humorlessly. “At least it’s just in your car. You can handle that with a wet rag. I’m only halfway through my shift and I’ll have to drive with ‘spider guts’, as you call them, all over my shoe. It’s going to track the mess to a lot of places. Just clean it up when you get home, you’ll be alright.”

“Can't you just tase it or something?” Dean supplied helplessly.

Castiel looked at him suspiciously, not quite sure the suggestion had been. “Um… no, I’m not going to tase a spider, Dean.”

Dean shrugged defensively. “Well do you have… I don’t know, do you have four pairs of tiny handcuffs or something?

“Dean, I think I’m just going to smash it.

Dean pouted a little bit but let out a disgruntled “fine”. He turned away to save himself from the trauma of seeing his Baby defiled. He was debating whether or not he should close his eyes or if turning around was enough when Castiel called back to him.

“Where did it go?”

Dean whirled around too quickly. After making sure he wasn’t going to fall, he squinted, trying to see in the near-dark. The sun was practically gone and he could barely see anything inside the car, much less a similarly colored spider.

“I don’t see it,” Dean said.

“Well, yeah I already asked wh-”

“I don't see it!” Dean said, slightly louder this time. He glanced wildly at Cas. “Cas, where is it, I don’t see it! Oh my god, not _again_. Where is it?”

“Dean, calm down. If we don’t find it I can just-”

“No, you have to find it. I can’t go the rest of my life knowing that there may or may not be a spider passenger hitching a ride in my car!” Dean grabbed Castiel’s arm. “Please man, you gotta find it.” He stared at him for an uncomfortably long time, practically holding his breath.

Castiel finally sighed, caving under Dean’s stare. “Alright,” he grumbled, shoe still in hand. “It’s too hard to see in the dark, though.”

“Well, do you have a flashlight?"

“I am a real police officer, Dean, of course I have a flashlight.” Castiel growled, reaching for his belt with his free hand. He paused, hand at the ready, as his face split into a grin. “Or I can do you one better.”

Dean shot him a confused and slightly concerned look as Cas turned and walked back to his own car, still holding his shoe, and got in. Dean half expected him to drive off and leave him with his new friend-at-large, but then he saw the situation in a new light.

A really bright one. Like, _really_ bright.

Dean held a hand in front of his face as the police car’s flood light, well, flooded the area. He was eventually rejoined by a still-grinning Castiel, who seemed rather proud of himself.

“Your sock is going to be filthy,” Dean commented, immediately regretting that it was the first thing that came to mind.

Cas’ smile faltered but he persisted. “I think you mean ‘thank you’.”

“I, uh… well I- yeah I did, thanks man,” Dean agreed. “So about the…” He waved his arms in the general direction of the now well-lit car.

Cas rolled his eyes, victory short-lived, and meandered to the driver’s side of the car. “You check from that side and I’ll look over here,” he told Dean, who grumbled but agreed, mostly because he didn’t want to mention that he’d rather not face the spider alone if it ended up being his side.

The search was short, thankfully, and ended with Castiel calling out to Dean with a quick and promising “found it”.

Dean raised his head quickly, hitting his head on the car’s interior. Rubbing it, he tried again, looking at Cas, who seemed to have found his pain amusing. Dean shot him a look and Cas quickly made a more serious face. He pointed slowly at the spider, who was standing stone-still on the steering wheel, surprisingly not even startled at the vibrations Dean caused. Dean slowly pulled out of the vehicle and, after being reminded to leave the door open, lest he startle the spider _again_ , walked around to meet Castiel on the other side. They both stood, looking at it, until Dean finally spoke.

“So, are you gonna take care of it or what?” he asked, trying and failing to keep his voice from quivering ever so slightly. 

Castiel looked over and smiled. “We’ll see how he handles the situation,” he said, turning back to the car. “Sir, may I see your license and registration, please? I have to say, your driving was quite a danger to anyone and everyone on the road.”

“Uh, dude, you know I can’t get that stuff until after we… y’know..” Dean protested.

Castiel held up a hand. “Dean, this doesn’t really concern you, I’m afraid. It turns out that this little guy was controlling the vehicle the whole time, so he’ll be dealt with instead of you. My apologies for the mixup. I’ll have to ask you again, sir, for some form of identification.”

Dean moved closer in behind Castiel and looked into the car over his shoulder. The spider moved just a bit, shooting one leg forward and then slowly moving it backwards.

“Hmm,” Castiel said thoughtfully, “it doesn’t seem like waving your furry little legs will qualify as valid identification. Are you a licensed driver?”

The spider didn’t answer.

“Have you gone crazy?” Dean asked in a hushed whisper. “It’s just a spider, it ca-”

“Dean, _please_! This doesn’t really require your involvement.”

Dean stopped talking. The spider also stayed silent.

“Unfortunately, not answering to the reasonable demands of the law can be deemed as refusal to cooperate,” Castiel finally said, “not to mention your previous cases of attempting to run from the law. I’ll have to take you in. I apologize for the inconvenience, but as long as you are cooperative in this maneuver, I’ll have no need to resort to physical force.”

Dean scoffed. “Really, Cas? Physical force? I call police brutality, this is all just cuz he’s  brown.”

Castiel raised an eyebrow, clearly not impressed, and roughly tapped the side of the car with his shoe. The spider spun around in place, attempting to locate the source of the vibrations. Dean cowered behind Castiel as the spider began moving.

“I lied, brutalize it, brutalize it!”

Cas scoffed and swung his shoe, bringing it down on the spider with a thump. The car horn sounded. Dean started and immediately clamped onto Castiel’s shoulders, gripping tightly as he yelled into his back. With his eyes closed, he didn’t see Castiel roll his eyes.

“Is it gone?” he asked cautiously.

“Yes, Dean, it’s gone.”

Dean straightened himself, investigating for himself over Cas’ shoulder again. “Okay, but is it gone-gone or just gone? Did you hit it or did it run?”

Castiel pointed at the mangled remains of the spider on the steering wheel. “It’s definitely dead.” He turned around and sat in the driver’s seat to put his shoe back on, shaking his head.

Dean pumped his fist into the air. “Fuck yeah!” He tried to lean over Castiel’s hunched body, arm outstretched. “Lemme just get you those papers now.”

Castiel straightened and pushed Dean’s arm out of the way. “Don’t worry about it. I think you’ve caused enough of a fuss today for the both of us. Just be safe going home this time, yeah?” He got out of the car and started walking back towards his own.

Dean was shocked. He was definitely expecting more trouble than that, especially after making Officer Brawny go this far beyond his job description.

“Hey,” he said to himself as he got in and started the car, careful not to get too close to the spider’s squashed form, “when you’ve got luck, you’ve really got it.” He reached over to pull the passenger door closed, then reached absently for his seatbelt.

“It was more than luck, Dean, it was the law.”

Dean let out a surprised cry at the sudden reappearance of Castiel, who continued speaking.

“Also one more thing.” He handed him his card through the opened window. Dean took it with one hand, barely glancing at it as he looked to Cas for an explanation. Cas shrugged. “It has my work phone and personal cell on it. In case you find another spider.”

Dean grinned stupidly, throwing the car into gear. “Thank man, you’re a lifesaver.”

Cas sighed, though he was smiling. “It’s my job, I guess. Well, kind of.” He waved at Dean, who waved back gleefully, happy to once again be the only one in the car.

“Oh, and Dean!” Cas called as he backed up towards his patrol car once more.

Dean leaned out the window the see him.

Officer Novak pointed at his car. “Your brake light is out.”

 

-END-


End file.
